Opinion
Twenty Years of Silence: A South African Woman’s Escape from Abuse
Some stories are told with pride. Others are whispered because the weight of them still clings to the skin. This one belongs to a South African woman who carried her secret for twenty years. For two decades, she lived with a man who used her love, her income, and her silence as his playground. She does not share her name because the shame she was taught to feel still lingers, even though she knows the shame was never hers to hold.
When violence becomes routine
What began as small pushes and shoves slowly grew into something terrifying. The man she once trusted discovered that he could keep the peace by avoiding her face. He would drag her, pin her against walls, and strike where cameras or friends could not easily see. He learned how to bruise without revealing the crime. His addiction to gambling drained her bank account and funded his habit. She worked while he stayed home and emptied her savings at casino tables. Hundreds of thousands gone, month after month.
In South Africa, many women speak of this pattern. Abuse that does not erupt overnight but arrives in stages. A shove becomes a threat. A threat becomes a beating. And eventually, a life becomes unrecognisable.
Why leaving is never simple
People often ask why victims stay. She tried to leave many times. She even moved out for a year, but the financial weight of running two homes pulled her back. Fear did the rest.
One night, he stood over her with a stick while she slept. She believed he would finally kill her. Instead, she found the last bit of courage left inside her, drove through the night with a swollen head, and landed at a friend’s doorstep. That friend photographed the bruises and urged her to report him. For a moment, she believed freedom was within reach.
But at the police station, after telling her full story in a room filled with people who listened without comment, a single officer informed her she would need to return to the house with him to identify the abuser. The humiliation crushed her. She walked out without a case number and without protection.
Experiences like this are why many South African women say they feel abandoned by the system that is meant to shield them.
Choosing her own escape
She knew that he would never change. She researched abuse for months and realised she was living with someone who manipulated, controlled, and harmed without remorse. So she planned in silence. She found a safe place for herself and her dog. She prepared to sell the house. When everything lined up, she left with her essentials and never returned.
A third party helped negotiate a financial settlement so that she could cut ties completely. She gave up cherished belongings and walked away from the life she knew. She blocked his number, moved far away, and started again.
Even now, she asks herself what would happen if he found her. Trauma is slow to loosen its grip.
Learning how to breathe again
She is trying to live normally. She goes to the gym, meets friends for coffee, and sometimes even laughs without forcing it. Her new space feels safer each week. Yet she still cannot say his name out loud or write about him without feeling physically ill. Healing does not follow a straight line. It circles, stops, retreats, and slowly inches forward again.
Millions of South Africans recognise this journey. They know the quiet resilience it takes to reclaim a life after violence.
When abuse is denied and when justice is delivered
Her story sits within a wider conversation about gender-based violence in the country. Some cases involve perpetrators who insist they were the victims. Internationally, the case of US woman Jodi Arias showed how fabricated claims of self-defence can be used to mask violence. Her trial concluded with a life sentence after evidence showed she killed her partner without any sign of abuse against her.
Closer to home, South Africans followed the conviction of Alexis Bizos, son of the late human rights lawyer George Bizos. He was fined or faced a year in prison after assaulting his ex-wife, causing six broken ribs. The magistrate noted his lack of remorse during sentencing.
These cases highlight the complicated truth. Some abusers hide behind false claims. Others are finally held accountable. But many victims, like the woman who survived twenty years of fear, still struggle silently.
Her story matters because so many cannot speak
She has not healed fully. She knows that. She is still learning what safety feels like and what life can look like without fear controlling every step. She may not be ready to say his name, but she is ready to speak her truth. And in a country battling one of the highest rates of gender-based violence, her voice joins thousands of others who refuse to stay silent forever.
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Source: The Citizen
Featured Image: Legal Resources Centre
